Well, not many people read this anymore... Myspace and Facebook have become the latest trend and "Xanga isn't cool any more".. oh well... I think that I will use this page just to vent, not for anyone else to read but myself and those few who are still linked and/or concerned... Lately things haven't been ok with me. Not at all... And I'm certainly not going to sit here and go on and on about how my life is so perfect and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it because that would be a straight up lie... A lot of things have been changing within me and for the most part all of them are not good changes. I have become apathetic in many ways and towards many things. I just don't care anymore. I have felt that when I care the most, I end up getting hurt, so if I don't care I can't get hurt. So, I have become more cold lately towards everyone and still maintaining that fake smile that allows everyone to see nothing that I am feeling inside. But at the end of the day my life is just falling apart and I am screaming for someone to hear me, but my cries are stiffled by a mask that makes everything seem alright. Independent... a word that I have heard quite a lot lately when it comes to describing someone's first impression of me... I guess I am, but I don't want to be. I don't want to seem like I am standoffish and that I don't need anyone's help... but that's exactly the kind of person I have been lately. Hiding how I really feel and not showing what's really going on inside of me because I don't want anyone to know that there's something wrong. Depending on myself to some how make it through. I guess it's not so bad... I don't want to seem like the whiney girl who needs everyone to fix her problems... at the same time I know that no one can fix them... I don't even know how to, so how could they possibly be able to? I am hurting on the inside.... I remember when I was younger how I would play The Game of Life and think that it was an ideal example of what my life would be like. I would go to school, get married, have children, live in the house of my dreams, reach all my career goals, and then retire happily. Oh what a deception that game is, because at the end of the day that's all it is a game. A falsehood of hopes and dreams that will never become a reality. Because unlike the game there are many hardships that intertwine their way into life and gradually attempt to suffocate a person. So much so to a point that the person just wants to give up and not care about anything anymore. With some small hope that they will be able to make it through.... Why does it seem like when things can't get any worse...they always do? I just want to move on and get away from all these feelings that I have held so deeply within me... but just as I am about to take a step towards restoration, something comes along that destroys my small hope of moving on and becoming happy. Making me sad and unhappy all over again. I just want something good to happen to me.... I don't ask for much out of life, but something good would be nice. I give up trying to understand what is going on... I do... it's too hard and I don't have the strength to endure it..... * el fin * | 
